Foundation's Foolery
by American Vigor
Summary: A comedic retelling of the ending sections of Foundation's Edge. Includes spoilers for Foundation and Earth. Hope you enjoy!


**Foundation's Foolery**

**- a Foundation Fanfiction -**

**Revised version of the end of Asimov's Foundation's Edge**

_Disclaimer: Foundation, the glorious series it is, is not in any way a property I control. I can only wish to supplement its mystique with stories such as the one herein. The same is in regards to related characters, symbols, plot elements, etc._

_With that said, hope you enjoy the story!_

After all Trevize had been through, racing across the galaxy only to find that a bunch of hippies in their drum circles on a faraway planet had used the Force to guide him there, he felt even better knowing that these hippies now entrusted the fate of the entire galaxy unto him.

"Trevize, what is wrong?", his fifty-plus-year-old companion's new girlfriend of around twenty years of age, Blissenobiarellapastaquesadilla, or Blissenobiarella for short, asked him.

'Man, Pelorat sure is a playa,' Trevize thought to himself.

"Nothing, nothing at all that your freaky mentalic powers couldn't just pry into my mind and see," Trevize said. "You know, you Gaian people are weird."

"You sure are a lot more foul than your canonical counterpart, aren't you Trevize?", Pelorat said.

"Not at all, my dear Pelorat. You see, in the next book, Foundation and Earth, I'm a complete jackass to that kid we pick up on that planet full of man-women, and I somehow manage to convince myself that enslaving the entire human race to a consciousness born from some defective pieces of crap machinery is actually superior to letting everyone have free will because of some sort of unlikely threat from another galaxy. And in this book, I think your girlfriend is a scheming, conniving fem-bot bent on making me think I'm doing all this because I'm somehow the only one in a galaxy full of quadrillions of people who she could find who has any sort of intuition. I didn't trust her from the moment I laid her … I mean, laid my eyes on her."

"How uncouth, Trevize," Blissenobiarella said. "You should know that I/we/you/everything/he/she/it/my left toe/Bob/us/them/Gaia is most displeased with the fact that you're spoiling the plot of the next book and breaking the fourth wall even before the end of the story in this book happens."

"Whatever. That still doesn't make up for big thing I don't get about the ridiculous sex scenes in Foundation and Earth," Trevize said. "Pelorat, in the next book, you learn that every time you have sex with Blissenobiarella, everyone on the entire planet feels it. Doesn't that creep you out a bit?"

"Well I … um … er…," Pelorat began.

"What he means to say is, the more the merrier, like everything else we do here on Gaia, Trevize," Blissenobiarella said.

"Urg, that should have been enough reason for me to say a big 'No' to galaxia even before we almost get ourselves killed a bunch of times trying to find Earth while completely forgetting about everything else," Trevize said. "But, alright, let's get on with the plot of this edgy book."

"Trevize, I'm going to take you and Pel-pel up into outerspace so we can have a faceoff with that old bitch from your planet who ruined your life because we made her do so," Blissenobiarella said. "Oh yeah, and a major character who had a very complex and interesting storyline that took up a huge portion of this book who you've never actually met will also be there, and he's not even going to be mentioned by his name in the next book."

"Look who's breaking the fourth wall now," Trexize said.

"At least I'm not a man-whore," she said.

"Skank," Trevize said.

"Intelligent historian!", Pelorat jumped in.

"Pel-pel, that's not an insult, and to whom did you call that?", Blissenobiarella asked.

"Myself; I felt left out," he said.

"Alright kids, let's get this over with," Trevize said.

Beyond Gaia's atmosphere, the head bitch from Terminus was locked in combat with the awesome character who should have been given more lines and a book of his own. No bias on the part of the narration, I assure you.

"Second Foundationer, I could destroy you now and head back to Terminus so we could once and for all kill off all your people, who have protected us from danger in the past and while we might disagree with the methods, truly want peace and prosperity to return to the galaxy," Mayor Harla Branno said from the command deck of her spaceship. "I mean, a big part of my desire to destroy you is because I'm impatient and want to unify the galaxy now, amidst a web of uncertainty and complete deviation from the Seldon Plan. As if we haven't had enough of that already. I mean, come on, what could possibly happen under my plan that wouldn't result in a foolproof empire?"

"Everything, you nitwit!", Stor "Mega-Awesome Underused Character" Gendibal said. "Do you how many people from the Second Foundation have died just to make sure that we'd all live in peace and harmony? Militant dingbats like you might not like the idea of a group of mentalics controlling the galaxy, but all we wanted was peace. Wanting to kill us for our rather noble desires seems a bit extreme!"

"I will go down in history as the greatest leader ever!", Branno said.

"Or the most mistaken malfunction ever," he said. "What do you think of all this, Novi?"

"Gendibal, you sexy beast, did I ever mention to you that I/we/antimatter/newspapers/it/him/her/themselves/Gaia am Gaia?

"Well, if that wasn't completely predictable Ms. 'I think I can get myself on board a spaceship with a Second Foundationer and subtly make him do stuff without the reader looking too much into this'," Gendibal said. "I mean, come on, I'm a member of the Second Foundation. We're supposed to have at least some sort of competence detecting even the simplest things others try to conceal, even if they aren't fully conscious of it, as was the case with your real identity. Why do I act so surprised in the canonical version of this scene? It makes me look like an idiot, which I am not! Anyway, the game's up, Novi, or should I call you Suranoviremblastiranpizzagyro?"

"Suranoviremblastrian would be more than acceptable," she said. "Anything for you, Master."

"Good, because I really gave a damn," Gendibal said. "And you know that's how I like it."

On the other ship, Mayor Branno's close advisor and the First Foundation's director of security, Liono Kodell, was busy heating up a pastry in the overly complex microwave unit he had personally installed next to the main command counsel.

'Mmmmm, apple cinnamon,' he thought to himself.

"Kodell, are you paying attention to our showdown with the Second Foundationer over there?", Branno asked.

"I'm good at multitasking," he said. "But I just don't see why we can't just destroy his vessel with our secret reserve batteries and leave."

"Patience, my dear Kodell. I have decided to wait here in deadlock with this man and prologue our conflict for some sort of inexplicable reason, as if I was waiting for something unexpected to happen."

"Alright, then."

Then, as Trevize, Pelorat, and Blissenobiarellapastaquesadilla arrived in orbit on Trevize's tricked-out spaceship, Suranoviremblastiranpizzagyro linked the minds of the people on all three of the ships using her magical, mystic hippie powers. In other words, she used the Force, as another famous Sci-Fi personality who totally didn't copy a bunch of ideas from Asimov, certainly noting that Trantor and Coruscant are most definately not the same place, would have deemed it.

"You should feel lucky, Trevize, that Gaia didn't decide to go with the original plan and have you play a game of Russian Roulette to determine which of the three outcomes before you would be the one we would support," Blissenobiarella said.

"As if that's supposed to make me feel better and under any less pressure," he said. "Hey, wait a minute, you speak of a game attributed to a culture which, in the context of the Foundation Universe, everyone seems to have long forgotten."

"That's totally explainable," she said.

"Oh, and so in the next book when you said that all of Gaia's collective memories of Earth have been erased, a major plot point whose explanation, I might add, was never truly satisfying, you were being deceptive!"

"You know, in my studies on Terminus, I came across a third type of 'hole' device interwoven into the universe," Pelorat chimed in. "It seems that not only does the universe have blackholes and wormholes, but that since the release of Foundation's Edge, the universe also has plotholes, another strange phenomenon, this one allowing major elements of a story to contradict each other while everything else pushes forward."

Blissenobiarellapastaquesadilla and Suranoviremblastiranpizzagyro were growing impatient, as was Endomandiovizamarondeyasowakkawakkaslurpietacomahboisupermariobrotherscouchpotatolampshadestereocowcalendaroptimusprimeturtlenevergoingtogiveyouupmeatballenchilada, or "Dom," as some called him, who was busy lighting up a strange-looking pipe as he looked into the sky in eager anticipation.

"Alright Trevize, you've been presented with three choices," Suranoviremblastiranpizzagyro said. "Either you take the side of Mayor Branno, the side of this guy from the Second Foundation over here who you've never met, or you take the side of us and get the opportunity to have the best sexual experiences of your life. No bias, I assure you."

Trevize thought about the most important decision the galaxy had ever yet encountered, and within five seconds of deep thought, he came to the conclusion that would forever affect the fate of all mankind.

"I've made my decision," Trevize said.

"What took you?", Branno said sarcastically.

"Well Branno, I've decided that, although I should care more for my homeland, considering I was a councilman in the parliament after all, and since I do have the human interests of my constituents to more closely consider, I will rule against you guys on the simple basis of the fact that you're a bitch."

"A significant complement, I must admit," Branno said.

"Stor Gendibal, I now somehow know your name, and I'm ruling against you too."

"But why, good sir? You're dooming us all, and disregarding all that our mutual founder, Hari Seldon, the man who keeps us forever kin to each other, ever worked for and the excellent plan that we spent the last three books trying to save and act out. Why make this brash decision?"

"I thought back to my childhood and realized that members of the Second Foundation never gave me enough hugs when I was a kid," Trevize said.

'Note to self; when I become first speaker, I will make sure to further guard our interests by making hugging both our allies and adversaries a more frequent practice,' Gendibal thought to himself.

"Gaia, I don't really know why I just chose you. It was based on the intuition you keep telling me I have. It's not like I'm going to wake up in a cold sweat one day and realize that you somehow tricked me into thinking this was an unbiased and unprejudiced decision while you also made me forget that you manipulated all the events up to this point. I mean, sure your very essence is based on the Three Laws of Robotics, and I know very well that you'd be more than willing to deceive me if you thought that you were acting in the interests of humanity, but I'm just going to roll that all into a little ball and give you the benefit of the doubt."

"That's what Gaia likes to hear, Trevize!", Blissenobiarella said. "And now it's time for the consent-free brainwashing! It's not like erasing peoples' memories and making them feel good about things they never did is some sort of ethical crime! Gaia does it in the interests of humanity!"

"Alright, alright, just do it so I can get some rest before we go on a long and seemingly endless journey in the next book because of how much I regret the decision I just made."

"With pleasure!", Bliss said.

Back on board Branno's ship, the mayor was proud of herself.

"We sure showed those Sayshell suckers with that trade agreement we just garnered from them, didn't we, Kodell?", the mayor asked.

"We sure did, Mayor Branno," Kodell said. "I am in no way going to question why this was so important for us to have appeared here personally with an uncommonly numerous group of our ships serving as an escort, but I'll just smile in this somewhat ignorant state of happiness along with you."

Elsewhere, as Gendibal's ship headed back to Trantor, he was completely unaware that he had been manipulated to himself manipulate a whole bunch of other people in the last few minutes.

But that didn't matter to him at the moment.

And it certainly did not bother Novi, who had just had the joy of hearing her Master say he wanted her to always be with him.

For the rest of the flight, both were as happy as could be, although Gendibal at times had to readjust the mental shields surrounding the craft to make sure that no one, especially Speaker Delarmi, could possibly blackmail him for any of his activities.

Meanwhile, on the surface of the planet Gaia, Trevize was pacing back and forth.

"Pelorat, I'm going on a trip to find out just how much I just screwed up."

"Trevize, dear chap, if that is the case, I'm going with you."

"And if you want to take Blissenobiarella with us, I'll begrudgingly accept."

"My good man, how did you know I was going to ask just that?"

"Simple, dear Pelorat, I took out a copy of our next book from the local public library."

"Good show, Trevize."

"That's right, kids, reading books can not only be a ton of fun, but you'll learn stuff as you explore epic worlds of excitement and adventure," Trevize said. "Alright, now that that Public Service Announcement is over, it's time to cut loose. Hey 'Dom,' pass me some of that stuff you've got over there."

"Which kind, Trev? The stuff in the red bag or the stuff in the green suitcase?"

"Whichever makes my head spin more."

Elsewhere, on a faraway satellite of a faraway world, R. Daneel Olivaw celebrated the victorious moments by inviting his fellow robots to the wildest discotech party that side of the galaxy had ever seen.

Even further away, in another plane of existence, Salvor Hardin could have sworn he heard Hari Seldon scream, followed by the loud noise of his repeatedly slamming his notebook to the floor in frustration.

*******************

_Howdy!_

_I hope you enjoyed this little venture based on Asimov's epic series._

_I recently finished reading Foundation and Earth, and that competition combined with my own love of writing prompted me to jot this tale down. _

_I'm looking forward to reading Prelude to Foundation, and wish you all the best. _

_Catch ya lata!_

_Thanks again for reading!_


End file.
